Chai & Matcha Diaries

Did you know that Japanese people are often considered great liars? No, really—there have been actual surveys where even the Japanese admit it! In fact, Japan ranked 4th in the world for lying. But hold on—before jumping to conclusions, it’s important to understand the cultural context behind this habit.

In Japan, “lying” isn’t quite what it seems. It’s not about deception for selfish gain. Rather, it’s part of a cultural habit rooted in 建前 (tatemae)—which refers to the outer facade or statements made to avoid conflict or discomfort. Essentially, it’s about saying what others want to hear, even if it’s not what you really feel.

Japanese people carefully consider their surroundings and suppress opinions that could upset others. This isn’t just politeness—it’s a deeply ingrained social practice aimed at maintaining harmony.

Tatemae: The Gentle Art of Not Saying “No”

Tatemae is the Japanese way of prioritizing the group’s harmony over personal opinions.

Picture this: you’re in a business meeting and propose an idea. Instead of hearing a direct “No, that won’t work,” you might receive a polite nod and a vague response like, “That’s interesting… let’s consider it further.” Sounds encouraging, right? But often, “let’s consider it” really means “No way, but I’m too polite to say it outright.”

As I’ve shared in previous posts, Japanese communication is often indirect to avoid hurting feelings. Rather than clearly disagreeing, they tend to soften their stance with vague expressions or by bending the truth, particularly in social and professional settings.

For example, a company might publicly say, “We changed our product for the health and well-being of our customers” (建前), but the honne (real reason) could be, “We changed the product because we were facing losses and needed innovation to save the business.”

Honne: The “Hidden Truth” Behind the Facade

Then there’s 本音 (honne)—the polar opposite of tatemae. Honne is your true opinion, the thing you’re actually thinking but probably won’t say out loud, especially not in formal situations. It’s your inner voice whispering, “I don’t agree with this at all,” while your mouth says, “Oh, that’s an interesting point!”

Now, here’s where it gets really interesting: expressing your honne openly can be a bit of a struggle in Japan. So much so that there’s a popular phrase, 本音を吐く (honne o haku), which literally means “to vomit out your true feelings.”

Yes, you read that right—sharing your honest opinion is compared to throwing up! If that doesn’t show how difficult it is to be direct in Japan, I don’t know what does.

Other phrases like 本音を漏らす (honne o morasu, “to leak out one’s true feelings”) also highlight this challenge.

本 (hon) means “true” or “original,” and 音 (ne) refers to sound, relating to human expression.

The phrase 音を上げる (oto o ageru) means to voice thoughts freely without restraint.

On the flip side, ぐうの音も出ない (guu no ne mo denai) means “to be unable to say anything at all,” again showcasing how common it is to withhold true thoughts in Japan.

Let me give you some other example to understand Honne and Tatemae.

Situation: Your Japanese coworker invites you to a party, but you’re not really interested in going because you have other plans or simply want to relax at home.

• Tatemae:
  “あ、すみません、ちょっと予定があって…”
  (“Oh, I’m sorry, I have something planned…”)
  You’re politely declining the invitation without giving the real reason, but you’re making sure not to offend your coworker.
• Honne:
  “行きたくないです。”
  (“I don’t want to go.”)
  Your real feeling is that you don’t want to attend, but saying this directly could hurt the relationship, so you use tatemae to keep the harmony.

Situation: A friend is wearing an outfit you don’t like, but they ask you what you think.

• Tatemae:
  “似合ってますね。”
  (“It suits you.”)
  You give a polite compliment to avoid hurting their feelings, even though you don’t actually like the outfit.
• Honne:
  “その服はちょっと…”
  (“That outfit is a bit…”)
  Your real thoughts might not be so positive, but saying them outright could damage your friendship.

Situation: Your manager criticizes your work, and you feel frustrated.

• Tatemae:
  “ご指摘、ありがとうございます。改善します。”
  (“Thank you for your feedback. I’ll work on improving it.”)
  Even if you disagree with the criticism, you respond politely to maintain professionalism and avoid conflict.
• Honne:
  “この批判は不当だ。”
  (“This criticism is unfair.”)
  You may feel the feedback is unjust, but voicing that opinion directly could create tension, so you use tatemae to keep the peace.

Why Do the Japanese Prefer Tatemae?

Japanese society places a high value on keeping the peace and avoiding conflict. That’s why Tatemae is often preferred—it allows people to maintain social harmony and prevent disagreements. In a way, it’s a strategic way to navigate complex social situations without stepping on anyone’s toes. Honne is usually reserved for more private settings, among close friends or family members, where there’s less fear of judgment.

References: https://www.j-cast.com/2013/03/17169911.html?p=all